When a Friend or Relationship Does Not Serve You Anymore
Written by Alyssa LaCorte.
September 29, 2023
IG: lysgracee
Most girls, at some point in their lives, have had some form of toxic friendship or relationship. Some of us may have even had both! For me, I am one of those many girls who have had to endure both situations. I remember spending a lot of my time confused and trying to make the relationship work, and I did not allow myself any time to take a step back and evaluate what was really going on.
After a few months of enduring the discomfort in either relationship, I eventually did pull away to protect myself. During this time alone, I allowed myself to see the mistreatment and the mental abuse I had been unintentionally putting myself through. In this blog, I’m going to point out five different warning signs that let you know it might just be time to pull away from that friendship or relationship.
The first major warning sign I had seen, especially in my toxic relationship, was the constant lies about silly things. Lying in any situation can be for many different reasons, but in my experience, it was mostly used for manipulation and isolation. I remember this person would lie about any little thing just to keep the control they thought they had over me. Over time I found myself completely isolated, I was told by the person that I could not talk to anyone else until I had spoken to them, but then I would watch as they would go speak to every single person before coming to me. I was completely miserable and I felt stuck in this constant cycle of feeling unwanted.
Breaking out of manipulation can be hard, but at the end of the day, YOU have the power to pull yourself out of that. You are the one that can save yourself from more heartache and start living a carefree life, without having to worry about whether you’re going to offend that person or not.
I understand that pulling away can be frightening for any reason, I myself was afraid of pulling away! But in the end, it’s not worth struggling mentally for. You should always put yourself and your needs first in these situations!
The second warning sign I noticed was that I felt emotionally drained after spending time with the person, or I found myself dreading having to see them. A friendship or relationship with someone should never leave you feeling emotionally drained, friends and partners are supposed to lift you up and make you feel inspired or energized! Most importantly, you should feel happy and loved in that friendship/relationship.
If you find that you feel drained or even moody after hanging out with that person, you should take a step back and ask yourself if the relationship is really worth you feeling drained all the time. Feeling exhausted in any type of relationship can be a sign of a forced relationship, whether it’s because you’re holding on to who that person used to be when you met them or because it’s a person you’ve known forever. It’s better for you and your mental health to cut that relationship out of your life, regardless of how hard it may be.
I had to do this once with a childhood friend at the beginning of my senior year of high school. I found that the friendship had become very one-sided and that they would betray my trust constantly by talking about me behind my back. I allowed myself to suffer in this friendship for two whole years simply because I had known this person since elementary school. Cutting this person out of my life was very hard, but today I am the happiest I have ever been. Losing a friend does not always have to be a bad thing, sometimes it can change the course of your life for the better!
The third warning sign I noticed was that I felt very judged by the person. I felt I could not be myself for the fear that I would get laughed at or looked at funny by them.
The last thing you ever want to feel is judgment, no matter who it’s from. Feeling judged can take such a toll on your mental health, that it can cause you to overthink, to become insecure, or to become sheltered within yourself. This can be detrimental in a few ways, sheltering yourself and overthinking every single thing you do could be keeping you from finding people out there who will love you for who you are. This in itself can be a harmful thing, but what’s more harmful is that it can cause you to change who you are just for acceptance from other people.
Growing up my mom always told me that I needed to be kind and open-minded towards others, and to never judge a book by its cover. I have always practiced this. I try my best to listen to others and to never judge anyone because I don’t know the circumstances they are in; I don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. But not everyone was raised this way.
Something I have learned that helped me and the way that I think is that some people openly criticize and judge others because they criticize and judge themselves. A lot of the time a person may be mean because they are insecure and unsure of themself, but this does not give them an excuse to judge others. Their correct response would have been to work on themselves, not to harm you. There are always going to be people in your life that judge you, how you respond to that judgment is what makes the difference.
If a friend or partner makes you feel judged, you could try to talk to them about it; and explain how they are making you feel. If they don’t make any effort to change, then it might be time to cut off ties with that person
The fourth warning sign I saw was that the relationship was one-sided. I touched on this a bit earlier but I want to explain it a little more.
One-sided friendships and relationships in the simplest term means that you are not receiving the same effort that you put into it from the other person. This can look like anything from you being the only one to initiate conversation and make plans, to a complete lack of respect on the other person’s part. In one-sided friendships or relationships, you will feel as if you are the only person putting any effort into that relationship while the other sends you mixed signals, or maybe no signals at all.
Another sign of a one-sided friendship is that the person is suddenly “always unavailable,” but only to you. They make time for everyone else but for you, they just make excuse after excuse. This does not feel nice, no one wants to feel unwanted or left out.
If you are experiencing this in either a friendship or a relationship, it’s time to get yourself out of there! Never be afraid to put yourself first when you’re struggling.
The final warning sign I saw was that they simply did not support me. It didn’t matter what it was or how much I needed support at that moment, they would not give it to me.
I found myself always being there for any minor thing that would happen to the person, specifically in my past relationship. If they were having a bad day or just needed me to be there, I was always there; whether it was a phone call or me driving up to see them. I even went as far as driving forty minutes to their job just to bring them a Starbucks once! But whenever the roles were reversed, I would not see the same support. I would get brushed off or given one of those “Oh dang, I’m so sorry! Anyways-“ type of things. (This was mostly towards the end of the relationship; the person used to be very kind and would show up for me, just not in the end.)
My point here is that you never deserve to be treated that way, no matter what! You deserve someone who will call you up and listen to you talk, you deserve someone who will support and love you no matter what, and you deserve the purest, most simple love from a friend or partner. Don’t ever settle for anything less than what you deserve!
The last thing I want to say here is that I know how hard it can be to lose a friend or partner, no matter how they treat you. You love that person despite all of their flaws and their motives to hurt you, but at some point, you have to love yourself more than them. You have to put yourself first, especially if any of these warning signs have stuck out to you.
Sometimes people grow up and change, and sometimes that change does not align with you and your goals anymore. Sometimes people are just a lesson in your life that you must learn and grow from. Maybe they are only meant to be a part of your life for a chapter and not the whole book, and that’s okay. It just means their purpose in your life story has been fulfilled and they have to go.
Take each bad friendship or relationship as a lesson, whether that lesson be that you know how to never treat someone else, or that you now know some signs that you should look for before getting involved with a person. Everything happens for a reason, your response to the circumstance is what matters the most. :)
-Alyssa
