you can’t love somebody else until you love yourself
The phrase: “you can’t love somebody else til you first love yourself” is one we hear often. Due to its constant itteration, though, I feel like its lost its meaning and mutual understanding.
I was one of the many that didn’t understand the importance of self-love, especially in regards to a relationship. I believed that if somebody else could love me, there was no need to find that same fullfillment instrinsically. My lack of self-love didn’t make me incapable of caring for my partner, so what was the purpose of such a seemingly cliche concept?
I understand as I got older, though, that a healthy relationship is built upon a foundation of love and gratitude for your own self first and foremost. You can channel your energy and pour love into your partner, but until you become capable of also feeling that sentiment towards you, the relationship is almost always bound to fail.
There are a few reasons behind this.
The first is insecurity. Wether its subconcious or something you are aware of, a lack of self-love usually stems from some hidden layer of insecurity. If you feel unworthy in whatever regard, you are more likely to compare your alleged “flaws” to other peoples percieved “strengths.”
This in itself is harmful, but when you’re in a relationship, these feelings are likely to leave you feeling anxious, stressed and therefore negatively impact your mental health.
When we don’t love ourselves, we tend to cling onto another person to fill this “void”. It’s part of the human condition to constantly be looking for an outlet — wether it be a hobby, a person or a project — to pour this time and energy into. If we are lacking in self love, this desire will be amplified and it can lead to forming unhealthy attachments.
It’s all about looking out for your own mental health. It’s nearly impossible to be happy in a relationship when you don’t have some basis of love for yourself. Even if the relationship itself brings you joy, the fear of abondment and not having that person in your life anymore makes any argument or slight altercation 10 times more emotionally tolling.
If the relationship ends, you won’t have the fallback option of yourself — the person you’ll have indefinetely for your whole life.
The key is recongizing this: you need to become your own best friend in order to feel true fullfillment long-term. Everything is temporary — people, places, relationships and even experiences — but the only thing thats truly perminant is you. Ultiamtely, you live and die with yourself and life is too short not to make peace with this fact and learn to love yourself.
This is fundamental for all relationships. Don’t attempt to seek self-love and acceptance for the sole purpose of being a better partner, though — do it for you.
