we are bound to hurt people — here is how to be okay with that.
Part of what’s so significant about life is our impact on others.
I like to think of everyone as a beautiful mosaic: kaleidoscopic designs, colorful glazes and intricate glass. Everyone is completely unique – no two mosaics are the same.
But what creates these pieces of art?
It’s our experiences, in short, but more specifically the other people that help create them. Friendships, relationships, love and loss are all shards of ceramic we are constantly imparting on those around us. Every person you’ve cared for has pieces of you in their mosaic, and them on yours.
Our playlists contain music that our exes once introduced us to, or screamed with old friends through open car roofs. The way we view certain aspects of life often derives from other people's perspectives, and the intellect we fill our brains with are configurations of other human thought.
In short, it’s extremely hard not be conscious of the impact we leave on others. As somebody that overthinks almost every interaction or word I say, the most challenging part of all this knowledge is the pain that inevitably comes from being human: both the pain we feel, and the pain we inflict on others.
The second piece of this condition was what always hurt the most. I’d end up sacrificing my own happiness in most cases in order to preserve somebody else's. This manifested in relationships – both platonic and romantic. I’d be stuck in a place where I’d be unable to make a decision that benefited me in the hopes that the person I loved wouldn’t be hurt in the process.
It took me almost two years in a long-term relationship to understand that leaving people, despite how much it might hurt both of you in the moment, is the best decision to make when your happiness is at stake.
Ultimately, you live your life for yourself. We go through phases and chapters where we are intertwined with others, but for the most part, this is fleeting. The page turns and the chapter ends, and the only thing we have indefinitely is ourselves.
Being 100% committed to your own happiness and finding self-fulfillment means being okay with the fact that you might hurt others and the process – and that is just one of the many rules of humanity.
You can probably name at least 50 times in which somebody has done something to hurt you for one reason or another. Of course a lot of these instances don’t seem rational, and you might be unable to see it from their perspective, but it’s undeniable that they are human and trying to figure out how to live their lives the same as you are.
The same principle works in reverse. Choosing ourselves means that somebody must get hurt. It’s kind of an awful realization to make, but it’s also the most true. When you leave a relationship, for example, that is toxic or doesn’t serve you, your partner is likely to be upset and hurt.
They will overcome this though – just as you’ve overcome the hardships and pain others have inflicted on you. In fact, you leaving the relationship was likely a key lesson that your partner needed to learn for one reason or another.
Imagine if the pain you experienced throughout your life was never felt; you most likely wouldn't be the person you are today, have gained the knowledge you’ve gained or the wisdom these various experiences gave you.
Most people don’t want to hurt others, but understanding that hurting people is a fact of life makes living much more peaceful. Of course we must continue being kind and compassionate, and taking others' feelings into consideration –but it’s equally as important that we take care of ourselves and don’t allow our fears of inflicting pain to completely overshadow our own needs.
Being the best person you can possibly be also means being your own best friend. Putting our needs first is one of the most important things we can do, not only for ourselves but for those around us.
Lessons and experiences shape and grow both us and others. Holding yourself to an unattainable standard of never, ever hurting anybody only causes more pain.
Pain and suffering is an essential part of human life, and although we should attempt to do everything in our power to minimize it, it is impossible to eradicate it completely. Treat those around you with empathy, but over-empathizing can often lead to self-destruction.
- Sophia Rundle
