Is It Real This Time?

I have only been in love once. Everything about the situation was so innocent and perfect. I woke up early to get ready for school, just so that I could make eye contact with him in the hallway. Everything about it was a simplicity that was so still and beautiful — Including the heartbreak that comes with your first love.

I was so afraid of coming back to school. I was afraid that I wasted my entire summer trying to get over him. But to my surprise, when I walked into my third period, I saw him and it was like seeing an old friend. He finally had become just a face to not just my eyes, but also my heart. From that moment forward, I promised that I would focus on myself. I would find love and acceptance.

No boys.

I did not have the time for that drama.

But recently, I've been hanging out with my guy best friend more frequently. He's the person who brings out every part of you, even the parts you've hidden since you were a child. I started picturing what it would be like if we dated, and it's been a constant loop that wouldn’t get out of my mind. To make it harder, he just came out of his first relationship, and I've been helping him cope.

The hard part about him is that I can't tell if I like him. It's like we're in a constant match of tug of war. It is like one day everyone in the room can see that he likes me. But the next, I got slapped in the face by how much he had friend-zoned me.

The day after we almost kissed, we didn't even look at each other.

It's so hard because I never know how I feel or how he feels either.

I'm afraid. I’m afraid that I am never going to love anyone after my first love. But although I'm scared, I want to feel that type of magic with someone again. Now I lie awake at night, repeating the same question to the stars.

Is it real this time?