“how do i become okay with not having a lot of friends?”

9/3/23

Email:

“I feel like everywhere I look — both on social media and in real life — every single girl has so many friends. They’re constantly out posting photos, and videos or talking about memories they’ve had recently at parties or hangouts that I couldn’t even dream of being invited to. I have maybe 4 friends, and I love them to death, but sometimes I find myself longing to have the huge friend groups that all of the other girls seem to have. How do I become okay with not?”

Our advice:

I feel like this isn’t talked about enough, so I’m really glad you asked this. As somebody who has gone through my high school years fazing in and out of multiple friend groups — both big and small — I want to start off by telling you that having a big friend group is almost never as glorious as it appears on social media (almost nothing is lol.)

People in general (especially high schoolers) tend to idolize big friend groups because they seem great in theory: lots of people that “like you”, always something to do, more opportunities for exciting activities, etc. In actuality, this isn’t really the case. I’ve noticed that during the periods of my life when I’ve been involved in big friend groups, I felt the most alone, and according to the other girls I’ve spoken with in regard to the same topic, they feel similarly.

Big friend groups breed so much drama and don’t foster true connections with the people around you (most of the time, not all of the time.) I assure you that 99% of the girls you see on social media or around you boasting about how many friends they have, or all the “cool” things they’re doing, are putting on a facade (at least to an extent).

It’s sort of the same principle as “you don’t know what the people around you are dealing with.” There is so much hidden drama and resentment that goes on behind the scenes in groups like this, and in my experience, only having a few close friends that I love, can rely on, and don’t feel like I’m sacrificing my own peace for is so much more beneficial for my mental health.

I have maybe 5 really good friends myself, and have never been happier with the people in my life! Don’t feel bad or compare yourself to other girls that seem like they have more friends because honestly, they’re probably looking at you with the same envy.

“You want what you don’t have,” is so so true, and remember that. What matters is your happiness, and that is completely, 100% achievable with only 3, 2, or even 1 super close friend.

Even with just yourself :)

Just focus on what you do have, and remember that social media and what people choose to talk about/present to others is often tainted by their desire to seem “cooler”, “better”, or “more popular”, so oftentimes it isn’t a reflection of the true situation or friendship dynamic.